Broken

When things don't go the way I want in my life I tend to believe that I am not enough. My perspective on many events in my life reinforce this core belief. My natural tendency when I get to this place of pain is to turn inward, ruminate until I can't stand it anymore, and then distract myself with mindless activity. Instead, this time when I got to that point, I decided to worship. Through that step of faithfulness God has shown up and reminded me that I am enough, and though I may not see evidence in this life, I can trust that in Him I am enough. I was enough for Him to send His Son to die. I am enough for him to call me into relationship with Himself. If I am never enough for any person it is nothing for I am enough for Him.  My fear of doing this stressful life alone is not of God for He says "'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,' so that we confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?" I need community and I love people, but the only one whom I must look to is God Almighty.

This song speaks to me every time!

Trembling at His Word

Isaiah 66:2 "For my hands made all these things, thus all these things came into being," declares the Lord. "But to this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word."

I was really struggling the other night with consistency in my walk with the Lord. I desire to spend time with him each day, but not enough to actually put it into action often times. As I was listening to a sermon by Francis Chan and reading through the Word this verse struck me, especially the last part. God looks upon those who tremble at His Word. I was thinking through the Bible and how when God shows up and people experience Him in a tangible, audible, sensory way they fall to their knees and tremble at His words. I have always thought how easy faith must be for them. Sure, if I experienced the audible voice of God, I would surely bow down and tremble as well. However, the Lord revealed to me that I have been given His words in an even more powerful way, through the Bible. The people in the Bible who experienced his audible voice got a rare dose of His words. I have been given the opportunity to hear from God at any and all times. What a blessing! I should have faith greater than those who are in the Bible. I take such advantage of my ability to experience the Word of God. It should not be a chore to dig into the Bible, but a time of trembling daily before the Lord, for He is the one who holds my life in his hands.

God I Look to You

I'm obviously not very good at writing consistently, so life has changed a good bit since my last post. I have a boyfriend! He's wonderful and so very graciously patient with me. Relationships are tough! Yes, there are the wonderful times of not being alone and sharing life with a great person, however there are also plenty of opportunities for me to notice areas in which I could use lots of growth. That is what I believe is the beauty and difficulty of relationships, it refines us in a unique way.
I must admit my anxiety has been a bit out of control for the last month. Dating a boy for 5 months, having one year left of grad school, having no clue what lies after grad school, chasing after a very active 4 year old, working 3 jobs, keeping up with all the financial pressures of a family of 2... it can all seem completely overwhelming when I try to manage it all myself. And guess what (surprise surprise), I have been trying to manage it all myself. It has made me more controlling then usual as of late and when you try to control things that are not in your control... well it's been a tough few weeks!
God is faithful! I wish I didn't wait to the point of almost having a break down to remember that! I have been reading through 1 Corinthians this week and it has placed me back on solid ground, reminding me to trust in Him. He will guide and provide according to his glory and grace. As I have mentioned before music is huge in keeping me grounded in Christ instead of my flesh and this week has proved to be no different. Jenn Johnson's song God I Look to You (posted at the end of the blog!) has been earth shattering for me. The beginning starts with petitioning God for wisdom and vision, aligning right with what I've been reading in 1 Corinthians, that we have the mind of Christ. That's what I am called to do, cry out to God, beg him to show up, ask him to give me what I need to not be overwhelmed and to continue on in a life that pleases him. The second part is my favorite. It goes straight into worship. Declaring my love for God. Naming who he is and how he is all I need. This song reminds me that I am called to ask and to worship. That doesn't mean waiting for the results I desire and then worshipping. I don't need to know the answer right away or in my time frame, I need to declare that God is in control and that his plan is far better than anything I can plan.
There are many unknowns in my life right now. I don't know where I will be in a year. I do know that God is faithful, I know that my God reigns. Therefore I don't need to know, I just need to look to God.

Honey Glazed Amazingness

Need a new recipe? This honey glazed salmon is super good and super easy! Made it tonight so I thought I would share.

Ingredients

         1/4 cup honey

         2 tbsp Dijon mustard

         1 tbsp melted butter

         1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

         Dash of salt

         Dash of pepper

         4 4-oz salmon fillets

         1 lb fresh asparagus spears, ends trimmed

         1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400*F. Line 9-by-13-by-2-inch baking pan with aluminum foil.

In a small bowl, stir together the honey, mustard, butter, and Worcestershire sauce. Season with salt and pepper.

Put the samon fillets in the center of the pan and arrange the asparagus around the salmon. Sprinkle with the walnuts and drizzle with the honey-mustard sauce.

Bake for 20 to 22 minutes, or until salmon flakes when tested with a fork.

Number of Servings: 4

Making a little extra sauce never hurt anyone either! Bon Appetit! 

2012!

I was doing so well... and then I fell off the blogging wagon. Luckily you haven't missed too much. Just Thanksgiving, Christmas, Disney World, New Years (which I missed too, went to bed at 10!).
Anyways I'm back to school. Back to internship. Back to structured life.
Don't have a lot to talk about on here right now. Life is good. Typical... mostly :-)
I'm trying to decide what to do for the big 25!
I'm considering a new tattoo. It has been 4 years since I've gotten one, so it's about time for something new.

options:

Maybe on my leg or back of the neck?

I like the location of this one. Either there or on the back of my ankle/lower calf area. 

Which do you like best? Help me out here!

Joy

Emotions are so emotional. Sometimes I just want a break. But I am discovering how to have joy no matter what is going on in my life, no matter what emotions are surfacing. God doesn't ever promise that life will be easy, but he does promise abundant life and he promises joy. Joy's there, however, I have to choose to take hold of it. 

Loneliness is something I struggle with from time to time. It's amazing what a difference it makes when Conner spends a weekend with my parents and my nights at home just feel lonelier. Just knowing that his little body isn't sleeping in the next room resonates in my inner being and I feel alone. 

Other circumstances lately have also brought this sense of loneliness back to the surface. I thought it was something that I was conquering after 3 years of singleness, but it's amazing how quickly it can sneak back up on you. 

Honestly, I've been quite tired of this one. I'm over the loneliness and have been pretty frustrated by it rearing its ugly head back up in my life. So as I was praying about it one day and trying to surrender it to the Lord and I came to a realization about something. If I rid myself of this long time underlying emotion, I need to fill the hole with something else, and the Lord gave me joy!

Unfortunately, it's not a quick fix, one time transition. I let my guard down, get comfortable, become overwhelmed by circumstances and the loneliness can quickly try and steal back it's former position. However I've learned that to live in joy I must live in worship. It really works. What a difference it makes to my day. I'm more hopeful, less anxious, and just have better perspective on life. 

Living in worship? What does that mean? For me it's a state of focus, when my entire day stays focused on the Lord. Music really shapes this for me. It's a huge part of my daily life. Anytime I am in the car, at home, in the shower, getting ready, I pretty much constantly have music on. Now don't get me wrong, I love some good music like The Civil Wars, Norah Jones, Swell Season, etc., but often times it's not very encouraging for me. In this state of my life I don't want to constantly be reminded of love and relationships and that's pretty much all music talks about. So switching out those artists with Jesus Culture, Hillsong, Bethel, Shane & Shane, etc. has totally transformed my life. They bring me into a state of continual worship. My attitude and my thoughts are completely reshaped. I begin to live in the joy God has promised. 

Then when the music is off and I have to either be at school or internship or even just have some time of quiet, the message that I have been listening to all day continues to echo in my head. It brings with it a desire to seek the Lord and to please him, not out of obligation, but out of worship!

"Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise you, O God, my God." -Psalm 43:4

Valuable

As a single Christian woman I constantly hear that I am to be pursued, I am to be valued, I am to be treated as a daughter of the King. It’s something that I understood, I knew, in my mind, I got it. I am an adopted daughter of the most high God and as such need to be treated like it. However, I have learned that knowing something with your head and truly believing it in your heart is two totally different things.

This month God revealed this truth to my heart and helped me push past the superficial knowledge into accepting that I am valuable. He has been relentlessly pursuing me.

For the last 3 years I have not dated. This has been no accident. I prayed to God that he would protect me from myself and not allow me to get into anymore fruitless relationships. I needed time to heal and to grow after a relationship that completely turned me upside down. And God has honored that prayer by preventing anyone from pursuing me during this time.
I tend to gravitate towards guys with great personalities, but they stink when it comes to pursuing and valuing me as a child of God.  I always would make it really easy for them because I thought that I did not deserve anything more. I would go out of my way to make them comfortable so they wouldn’t realize that I wasn’t worth the work. This pattern has now been broken.

Recently, God has been relentlessly pursuing me. What a beautiful contrast between what God is doing and what others have failed to do in order to help me begin to realize in my heart what I had heard my entire life. God was showing me through his example of what I need to look for in a man. Anything less is not what God would desire for me, because Christ Jesus has made me valuable despite my past, my insecurities, and my faults!

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” – Galatians 2:20

“For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:20

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” – Ephesians 5:1-2

“See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him.” – 1 John 3:1