My Thoughts on Veteran's Day

Watching the Today Show this morning and seeing all the segments on Veteran’s Day triggered thoughts about a part of my life I try to forget. This is my story. I’m not an army wife, I don’t know many military families, but this is what I have experienced. Am I thankful for the sacrifices that people have to make to keep our country free? Honestly? I don’t know that I am. The military system makes me kind of mad. I posted an article on Facebook a few weeks ago, http://www.npr.org/2015 /10/28/451146230/missed-treatment-soldiers-with-mental-health-issues-dismissed-for-misconduct. I posted it because it is a story I closely relate too. I tried for years to help Conner’s dad. I encouraged him to get treatment, I talked him through countless panic attacks, I sifted through drunk text messages and voicemails. He went to a therapist or two, he attempted half heartedly to get some help. But as hard it was for him to take the first step, asking for help, he did not enter into a safe space. He was told that he didn’t have PTSD that it was his problem to fix. They didn’t care about his alcoholism. They didn’t intervene with the foundation of the psychology profession: unconditional acceptance and positive regard, meeting people where they are and knowing they are doing the best they can with their situation. So he faced his fear, pushed through his mental health barriers, and asked for help to only be disregarded and invalidated. If he took anti-anxiety medication to help with his panic attacks he would no longer be able to fly. His job was to fly, so if he received help for his anxiety he would be unable to do his job. If he would attempt to go to a therapist off base he would have to pay for it out of pocket. So he did what he does, he stopped trying to get help, he moved on, slept with another girl, had another kid that he can’t support, and I had to place boundaries around that protected me and Conner from his toxic tendencies. He ends up getting discharged from the army. He stops paying child support. He loses his benefits, his children loses his benefits. Conner’s father is a veteran. One that has been screwed by the system. One who’s ability to be a good father, to provide for his children emotionally, physically, financially, seems to be an impossible feat. So should we honor the veterans? Yes, these families have sacrificed so much. But don’t forget that the system is beyond broken and the image being shown on the news is covering up deep issues within the armed forces. For every child receiving health care and college tuition because of their parent’s service there is a child who is left with nothing because their parent’s mental health due to their service to this country was more then what the country wanted to face.

Pro-Persecution

I’ve read a few articles and seen a few social media posts about Christians being targeted and treated differently for their beliefs. As our society becomes more and more pluralistic it appears that Christians become more and more disliked. Quite a few people have stated that they have received differential treatment because of calling themselves Christian. Here in the Bible belt, the opposition and disgust that are rippling across the nation towards Christians is not felt so intensely, but I am ready and dare I say it, maybe even excited for the day when it is felt here.

You maybe wondering why I say this… it is anti-American to want our nation free of the Christian roots from which it was founded… who wouldn’t want a whole country that believes and follows the Word of God… God’s blessings over a “Christian” nation will be taken away when we turn our backs on Him. I’ve heard statements like this over and over in different ways and yet I whole-heartedly disagree.

America has been a nation that fully embraced Christian culture (until lately) but has fully missed fulfilling the call Christ has given to those who choose to follow Him. The culture of Christian values states that all people should live according to the laws and commands God has so graciously given to believers to follow. But why would people who don’t know God’s loving mercy and kindness submit themselves to His laws? Expecting someone who does not know the beauty and glory of a relationship with Jesus to live as someone who does is not only foolish, but also harmful. My friend recently told me a quote she had read, “the Bible is for believers, the Gospel is for the lost.” Think about that for a minute… all the times we try and push verses, quoting them for people to show them their sin, challenging government, media, and culture through a means that was intended to guide the Believer, it is grossly misusing the beautiful gift God has given us, His very Words! I’m not saying there aren’t times in which the power of the Word should be used, but used cautiously and with a discerning Spirit.  The Gospel is what gives the message of hope and love to the ones who do not believe, not the laws.

The only way in which I can see this culture of Christianity die is through persecution. When you are challenged, threatened, murdered for what you believe in, you make sure that you truly believe it and don’t simply repeat what you’ve heard all your life or claim the trend of “oh of course I’m a Christian” while grossly misrepresenting the Body of Christ. With the culture of Christianity dead, believers will no longer be seen as standing in opposition with the world but will be seen as standing in contrast with the world.

Instead of expecting the world to look like us, it is way more effective to let the world be the world and shower them with the love and grace we have received from Christ. We have not been called to judge and condemn the unbelievers and their sins. The Holy Spirit has been given the job to convict all hearts towards his holiness, and I would hate to be prideful enough to challenge him in His timing and His methods. I’m not saying believers are to be passive in their faith, quite the opposite in fact. Actively go out and love your neighbor. Show them the same grace that we have so freely been given. Find the joy in no longer fearing the change in culture but the freedom from it.

This week I have heard a lot of responses out of fear, fear of the change that is moving across this nation. I welcome the change. I am tired of being a grey country that is actively tainting the Gospel of Christ. I am ready to be a country of black and white, you follow Jesus or you don’t. You love others or you don’t. No more claiming Jesus so you can get a pass into heaven while selfishly taking whatever you want out of the world. I want to be an American Christian willing to give up everything in this world in order to show the world how Jesus is worth it all, he’s worth my riches, my traditions, my comfort, my culture, my life, my all. 

Find You On My Knees

I feel like I'm talking about the same thing in different ways on here lately, but honestly in my 3rd year of grad school I'm exhausted. It is not a physical tiredness that can be cured with a little extra sleep, but an emotional, social, brain tired. The only times I really sense a glimpse of relief is when I focus on the Father. I don't want you to think I'm complaining, because that is not my intent at all. This is what I signed up for. Being at this place leaves me nothing to hold onto but that which I know is steady, firm, and stable. It's all part of the process God has for me and I trust in Him to sustain me. I thought the lyrics from Kari Jobe's song Find You On My Knees pretty much describes exactly how I feel right now. It really encouraged me that I must not be the only person in the world that has ever felt this way!

Troubles chasing me again,

Breaking down my best defense, 

I'm looking God, I'm looking for you.

Weary just won't let me rest

and fear is filling up my head. 

I'm longing God, I'm longing for you.

But I will find you in the place I'm in,

Find you when I'm at my end,

Find you when there's nothing left of me

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,

What if heartache still remains,

I'll trust, my God I'll trust you. 

'Cause You are faithful and I will

Find you in the place I'm in,

Find you when I'm at my end, 

Find you when there's nothing left of me

to offer you except for brokenness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty

When I am weak, when I am lost and searching

I'll find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone,

When the fear is strong,

When the pain is real,

When it's hard to heal,

When my faith is shaken

and my heart is broken 

and my joy is stolen

God I know that you lift me up, 

you'll never leave me searching,

Find you in the place I'm in,
Find you when I'm at my end, 
Find you when there's nothing left of me
to offer you except for brokeness.

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

morning epiphany

The Holiday is one of my favorite movies. However, there are more than one scene that kind of irks me. One of the most annoying is towards the end of the movie when Cameron Diaz is going back to Jude Law after saying goodbye and decides to hop out of the car and run because it was moving slow in the snow. I always just want to yell at her "It's faster if you would just stay in the car!"

This morning was a typical morning, dropping Conner off at school, class, etc. On days like this I make myself a cup of coffee to go to get through my 8:00 class. Unfortunately, I forgot my coffee on the counter today. Luckily, I noticed at Conner's school at not at my own. Driving back towards my school I have to pass the road my house is off of so I figured I would stop by and pick up that precious cup of coffee. Going down my road I have 7 set of speed bumps and 5 pot holes that I have to get around, and the delay to my coffee was agonizing! And for the first time ever... I understood the way Cameron Diaz felt! I wanted to get out of my car and run home so the obstacles would not delay me. Is coffee equivalent to Jude Law? Of course not in looks. However, in this time of my life it's probably pretty close in importance.  

Adequacy

I was talking on the phone with a guy friend the other night. He was calling to get my advice about whether he should get married or not. Overwhelmed by the idea of marriage and responsibility and settling down but not wanting to have to breakup with his girlfriend who was ready to move forward or move on. Similar topics of conversation have been brought up to me by unsure guys and frustrated girls many times lately. The big question looming around our generation is why do guys not want to grow up? Why do they view family and marriage as an obligation they would rather put off than a joy that God has gifted us with? With these questions whirling in my head for a while I think I have come to one possible hypothesis. Without doing research it has no basis to be proven, but the following is the way in which the answers to the questions make sense to me.

The first thing I think of when I think of many guys in our generation is apathy, frozen in a state of not wanting to grow up and not wanting to move forward in life. More satisfied with standing still then in taking the risk of moving forward. Many of the things I've heard is "I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility" "What if I grow tired of the same person forever" "I am still looking for my great adventure" "I don't want to be held back." I sense they are all excuses as I rarely see any of these guys move on to make great solo expeditions (if anything, they could probably accomplish greater things by having a support system!). 

So when I think of apathy, I think of being frozen in place, and when I think of being frozen I think of fear. When rolling around this idea of guys experiencing fear, I was wondering what could cause this kind of fear? I thought about the influences on their perspective of marriage and family. There are worldly examples all around of being "satisfied" with independence. There are past experiences of failing in relationships. There are poor examples of men being good fathers and husbands. If 50% of marriages are falling apart, then what is to say mine will stay together? It all comes to head at a fear of being inadequate. And there are not too many examples in the world of men doing adequate jobs of holding their families together. Therefore the question remains, why risk entering into a relationship that I could fail at when I can ignore that desire for intimacy and cover it up with the fantasy world of pornography, video games, and surface relationships that I currently live in. 

But God has his hands open, overflowing with greater gifts than what the fantasy world can offer. All it takes is the courage to accept the gifts God has given to man and choosing to live in the adequacy of Christ. Who is adequate to be a spouse? to be a parent? to share the Gospel? to fulfill God's call on your life? The answer is not one of us. In myself I am inadequate for all things, but I am not called to live my own life but to live in Christ. 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 states, "For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are perishing; to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things?" Even Paul is asking, who's adequate to share the Gospel and to represent Christ. Then he answers later in 2 Corinthians 3:4-5 "Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God."

We are to live a life of confidence that comes for the Spirit. He is the only source of adequacy and he has shown that by choosing to write upon our hearts. We are called to live a life that emanates a pleasant fragrance to the Father. Am I saying marriage is perfect or easy? By no means. But the reason I believe marriage is so greatly attacked by the enemy is because of the powerful example of Christ's love as displayed in a holy marriage. What a beautiful, tangible, representation of the Gospel on Earth. I for one have a desire to fight for Godly marriages, and that is part of the reason I do what I do. I just pray to see more men stand up to fight for the gifts and responsibilities God has given us as well.  

WebRep

currentVote

noRating

noWeight

Broken

When things don't go the way I want in my life I tend to believe that I am not enough. My perspective on many events in my life reinforce this core belief. My natural tendency when I get to this place of pain is to turn inward, ruminate until I can't stand it anymore, and then distract myself with mindless activity. Instead, this time when I got to that point, I decided to worship. Through that step of faithfulness God has shown up and reminded me that I am enough, and though I may not see evidence in this life, I can trust that in Him I am enough. I was enough for Him to send His Son to die. I am enough for him to call me into relationship with Himself. If I am never enough for any person it is nothing for I am enough for Him.  My fear of doing this stressful life alone is not of God for He says "'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,' so that we confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?" I need community and I love people, but the only one whom I must look to is God Almighty.

This song speaks to me every time!

Trembling at His Word

Isaiah 66:2 "For my hands made all these things, thus all these things came into being," declares the Lord. "But to this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word."

I was really struggling the other night with consistency in my walk with the Lord. I desire to spend time with him each day, but not enough to actually put it into action often times. As I was listening to a sermon by Francis Chan and reading through the Word this verse struck me, especially the last part. God looks upon those who tremble at His Word. I was thinking through the Bible and how when God shows up and people experience Him in a tangible, audible, sensory way they fall to their knees and tremble at His words. I have always thought how easy faith must be for them. Sure, if I experienced the audible voice of God, I would surely bow down and tremble as well. However, the Lord revealed to me that I have been given His words in an even more powerful way, through the Bible. The people in the Bible who experienced his audible voice got a rare dose of His words. I have been given the opportunity to hear from God at any and all times. What a blessing! I should have faith greater than those who are in the Bible. I take such advantage of my ability to experience the Word of God. It should not be a chore to dig into the Bible, but a time of trembling daily before the Lord, for He is the one who holds my life in his hands.

God I Look to You

I'm obviously not very good at writing consistently, so life has changed a good bit since my last post. I have a boyfriend! He's wonderful and so very graciously patient with me. Relationships are tough! Yes, there are the wonderful times of not being alone and sharing life with a great person, however there are also plenty of opportunities for me to notice areas in which I could use lots of growth. That is what I believe is the beauty and difficulty of relationships, it refines us in a unique way.
I must admit my anxiety has been a bit out of control for the last month. Dating a boy for 5 months, having one year left of grad school, having no clue what lies after grad school, chasing after a very active 4 year old, working 3 jobs, keeping up with all the financial pressures of a family of 2... it can all seem completely overwhelming when I try to manage it all myself. And guess what (surprise surprise), I have been trying to manage it all myself. It has made me more controlling then usual as of late and when you try to control things that are not in your control... well it's been a tough few weeks!
God is faithful! I wish I didn't wait to the point of almost having a break down to remember that! I have been reading through 1 Corinthians this week and it has placed me back on solid ground, reminding me to trust in Him. He will guide and provide according to his glory and grace. As I have mentioned before music is huge in keeping me grounded in Christ instead of my flesh and this week has proved to be no different. Jenn Johnson's song God I Look to You (posted at the end of the blog!) has been earth shattering for me. The beginning starts with petitioning God for wisdom and vision, aligning right with what I've been reading in 1 Corinthians, that we have the mind of Christ. That's what I am called to do, cry out to God, beg him to show up, ask him to give me what I need to not be overwhelmed and to continue on in a life that pleases him. The second part is my favorite. It goes straight into worship. Declaring my love for God. Naming who he is and how he is all I need. This song reminds me that I am called to ask and to worship. That doesn't mean waiting for the results I desire and then worshipping. I don't need to know the answer right away or in my time frame, I need to declare that God is in control and that his plan is far better than anything I can plan.
There are many unknowns in my life right now. I don't know where I will be in a year. I do know that God is faithful, I know that my God reigns. Therefore I don't need to know, I just need to look to God.

Honey Glazed Amazingness

Need a new recipe? This honey glazed salmon is super good and super easy! Made it tonight so I thought I would share.

Ingredients

         1/4 cup honey

         2 tbsp Dijon mustard

         1 tbsp melted butter

         1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

         Dash of salt

         Dash of pepper

         4 4-oz salmon fillets

         1 lb fresh asparagus spears, ends trimmed

         1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400*F. Line 9-by-13-by-2-inch baking pan with aluminum foil.

In a small bowl, stir together the honey, mustard, butter, and Worcestershire sauce. Season with salt and pepper.

Put the samon fillets in the center of the pan and arrange the asparagus around the salmon. Sprinkle with the walnuts and drizzle with the honey-mustard sauce.

Bake for 20 to 22 minutes, or until salmon flakes when tested with a fork.

Number of Servings: 4

Making a little extra sauce never hurt anyone either! Bon Appetit! 

2012!

I was doing so well... and then I fell off the blogging wagon. Luckily you haven't missed too much. Just Thanksgiving, Christmas, Disney World, New Years (which I missed too, went to bed at 10!).
Anyways I'm back to school. Back to internship. Back to structured life.
Don't have a lot to talk about on here right now. Life is good. Typical... mostly :-)
I'm trying to decide what to do for the big 25!
I'm considering a new tattoo. It has been 4 years since I've gotten one, so it's about time for something new.

options:

Maybe on my leg or back of the neck?

I like the location of this one. Either there or on the back of my ankle/lower calf area. 

Which do you like best? Help me out here!

Joy

Emotions are so emotional. Sometimes I just want a break. But I am discovering how to have joy no matter what is going on in my life, no matter what emotions are surfacing. God doesn't ever promise that life will be easy, but he does promise abundant life and he promises joy. Joy's there, however, I have to choose to take hold of it. 

Loneliness is something I struggle with from time to time. It's amazing what a difference it makes when Conner spends a weekend with my parents and my nights at home just feel lonelier. Just knowing that his little body isn't sleeping in the next room resonates in my inner being and I feel alone. 

Other circumstances lately have also brought this sense of loneliness back to the surface. I thought it was something that I was conquering after 3 years of singleness, but it's amazing how quickly it can sneak back up on you. 

Honestly, I've been quite tired of this one. I'm over the loneliness and have been pretty frustrated by it rearing its ugly head back up in my life. So as I was praying about it one day and trying to surrender it to the Lord and I came to a realization about something. If I rid myself of this long time underlying emotion, I need to fill the hole with something else, and the Lord gave me joy!

Unfortunately, it's not a quick fix, one time transition. I let my guard down, get comfortable, become overwhelmed by circumstances and the loneliness can quickly try and steal back it's former position. However I've learned that to live in joy I must live in worship. It really works. What a difference it makes to my day. I'm more hopeful, less anxious, and just have better perspective on life. 

Living in worship? What does that mean? For me it's a state of focus, when my entire day stays focused on the Lord. Music really shapes this for me. It's a huge part of my daily life. Anytime I am in the car, at home, in the shower, getting ready, I pretty much constantly have music on. Now don't get me wrong, I love some good music like The Civil Wars, Norah Jones, Swell Season, etc., but often times it's not very encouraging for me. In this state of my life I don't want to constantly be reminded of love and relationships and that's pretty much all music talks about. So switching out those artists with Jesus Culture, Hillsong, Bethel, Shane & Shane, etc. has totally transformed my life. They bring me into a state of continual worship. My attitude and my thoughts are completely reshaped. I begin to live in the joy God has promised. 

Then when the music is off and I have to either be at school or internship or even just have some time of quiet, the message that I have been listening to all day continues to echo in my head. It brings with it a desire to seek the Lord and to please him, not out of obligation, but out of worship!

"Then I will go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I shall praise you, O God, my God." -Psalm 43:4